i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
