I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
