Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
