I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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