Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
