She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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