This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
