I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
