if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dear god my vagina.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
