I accidentally burped into my bong.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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