I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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