How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
