went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
