rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
