Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
