Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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