I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
