When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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