I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
