Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
