I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
