So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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