I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
