I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
