Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
