i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
