i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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