just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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