fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize