im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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