I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
