I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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