I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
