If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
