Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
