The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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