How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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