Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
