Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
