I hate all girls vehemently.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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