Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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