I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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