Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
