Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
