I look better un-naked...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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