i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
