I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize