it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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