I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
