He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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