He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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