you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
