I am in a vortex of obligation.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize