I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
