Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
