The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize