I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
