for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
