I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
